Say the name "Kiara" and several words rush to my mind; silly, proud, pure love, aggrivation, trials, joy, appreciation, emotional, lessons, fear and hope, just to name a few. She is my greatest joy and frustration, a learner and a teacher, my brightest girl and yet worst behaved. She is my dog......but not just any dog. This is Kiara's story.
It all began five and a half years ago. I was in an emotional dilemma and desperately seeking solutions. I've loved animals all my life and had several dogs throughout, but I'd been without a furry companion for over a year now, and I was scared. I lost several in the year or two prior, and wasn't sure I could open up my heart once more out of fear of loosing again, but I longed for another canine to love. The "what if's" consumed me which had kept me from seeking out another dog for this long, but one thing consumed me more.....lonliness.
My parents just finalized a messy divorce. I had ended my third unhealthy relationship since I started dating, and resorted to being single until my emotional wounds healed. I looked after my parents and felt I was looking after the world but that no one was there for me. Although many burdens plagued me I tried to work through the challenges in my life, however still feeling a powerful abyss within me despite my progress. It became strong enough that I eventually swallowed my fear and began to search for the perfect dog....ah yes, the answer to my prayers! A dog will always love me. They do not judge or hold grudges, and will never desert me. They adore my mere presence, asking nothing in return but love and affection....and I had lots to give! I decoded it would need to be a small dog because I lived in town now, and would have to be a girl and have short hair. I was not into heavy grooming requirements, but shedding I was used to. And so the search began.
I dived into breed research and eventually decided to go in the direction of a Pug. Low maintenance dogs, they have minimal exercise requirements and are "wash-and-go." They're sturdy, whimsical, adoring lap dogs which sounded absolutely ideal! One other thing I had decided upon during my search was to put God in charge. I had deserted Him for several years and I saw just how productive that was, so now I was determined to turn my life back on track and what better way than trusting Him to help me find the new love of my life? I knew God would lead me to "the one" as long as I had faith.
My first test of faith occured when I went to a farm to look at an available Pug for sale. They used to be my neighbors and had only one little girl left at a very reasonble price....my heart jumped into my throat in hopeful anticipation! As they brought her out I sensed something was wrong and found it odd how they wouldn't put her down to run around. They just held her as she audibly struggled to breathe, wheezing and looking pitifully lethargic. At my request they put her on the ground and I watched as she stumbled weakly at my feet. Everything in my brain screamed "No! Bad choice!" but my heart yearned to scoop her up and take her. I prayed and begged for the right answer, and God gave me the strength to walk away, but I never imagined it would be that hard. Even after I found myself doubting and wondering, "What if I don't find another?"
It seemed to take forever. I searched and searched, but no sweet little girl Pugs fell into my lap and I became anxious. One day I walked into the pet store in the mall on my regular puppy-fix excursion, and there, tongues lolling and tails wagging, were the cutest little Pug faces beaming at me through the window! I couldn't believe my eyes! There was only one girl and I knew the price was going to be formidable, but I couldn't help but ask. The owner was a friend and said they were asking $600.00.......yikes! My heart sank a little at that number, but I quickly realized it didn't really matter because in the same breath she explained that the girl was already spoken for and a deposit paid. I walked out of the store feeling a bit dejected and back at square one....the only consolation being that I could go back any time to play with the little darlings until their lucky owners would come to take them home. Sigh.
I prayed. I begged and pleaded. I didn't want to wait any longer. God remained silent but I did my best to remain patient. I knew I must have faith. He would give me the answer to my prayers if I just kept having faith. Deep down I knew my faith was weakening. My mind knew to trust Him, but my heart was rebelling.
I went back to the pet store one day for my regular visit, but noticed something wasn't right. The runt of the litter, a boy, was gone and the girl was still there. Upon my inquiry the owner said, with a slight grin, that the people who had put her on hold had changed their minds and decided to take the little boy instead. If it weren't for my state of shock at that moment I think I might have shrieked! This could be the answer to my prayers! It was meant to be! It's a miracle! The excitement welled up inside of me ready to burst.....but wait, I still can't afford $600.00! I walked away feeling a bit confused, having more questions than answers. I then found myself suddenly ignoring God's comfort and assurance and began thinking, "how can I make this happen?"
I knew my faith was slipping, but now I had a goal in sight. I ceased listening to the small, quiet voice that seemed to whisper "wait" and decided on my own that this was the one. But how to get the money? At the time I didn't realize my subconcious trickery, but satan had snuck into my heart. I went to tell my mom about this perfect little Pug and gave my sob story of how I couldn't afford her, but that I loved her so much. I maliciously knew deep down that my mom would give me anything, even if it was just because of the guilt of the divorce, and a hint would be all it would take. This new, devious voice kept whispering in my ear, "All you have to do is sell this sad story, and the dog will be yours!" Afterwards I realized what I had just done, but instead of correcting it and going back to my mother to assure her that things would work out, I chose instead to forget about it, convincing myself that nothing would come of it anyway. But of course, something did.
I went to work one morning shortly after and found a note waiting for me. It was from my mom, and though I didn't understand what she had written, it was in reference to the Pug. I ran to the pet store after my shift, and the owner smiled broadly at me as she explained that my mom had put a $200.00 deposit down on my little girl for me! I stood there blankly and her face dropped as my reaction was not the joyous one she had anticipated. All I could think was, "What have I done?" and the reality and severity of the situation began to reveal itself to me. My mom didn't have $200.00 to throw away. I still can't afford $400.00 plus taxes. But worst of all, there was still great animosity from my dad toward anything remotely associated with my mom.....he was living with me, and I was going to bring home a dog that I would have to tell him my mom partially paid for? He would be reminded of her and his hate each time the dog would walk by....what have I DONE?
I explained my sudden panic to the owner, and with compassion and understanding, she graciously gave me the option to bow out. Against policy, she said she would give my mom her deposit back and leave it at that. I paused for a moment and then realized what I had to do. I thanked her for the offer and agreed to get back to her, but right then I had to go do some serious praying. And boy, did I pray! I begged forgiveness and asked for His guidance in making the right decision out of the mess I had created. I felt ashamed, broken, and evil. I was selfish and decietful, but after all my pouring out to Him, I felt God near again. I had my answer.
I went back to the pet store and I could see the anxious look as I approached. Without words, her eyes asked, "What's happening?" and I can still hear myself firmly saying, "I'm taking her." As she stared in suprise I continued; "I promised myself that I would have faith in God to help me find a dog. But I lost that faith, and that's why this all happened. But I believe He has a purpose, and since I got myself into this I'm going to stick to it, and this time have faith that God will help me through." I felt instant relief as those words passed over my lips, and at that moment I knew that everything would somehow be okay.
I checked with my mom and found that she was okay financially. I don't remember how, but I then found the money and broke the news to my dad. he was definately not amused, but suprised me in his acceptance of the dog. He even came with me to pick her up and though he was upset with me over the whole situation, he was still supportive. God works in amazing ways! I believe that was the first step to my dad's healing process, and now he no longer holds any anger and animosity towards my mom! It was also a big first step for me towards building a stronger relationship with God and learning what faith truly means. I felt it was the perfect ending to the story.....everything worked out in the end and I had my beloved Kiara! Little did I know I was simply entering a new chapter.
Things didn't go quite how I had planned as Kiara got settled in her new home. Potty training was a nightmare! She did so well up until we would leave the house, then we would come home to puddles and deposits! Worst of all the house was still being renovated, and so we had to deal with plywood floors. We painted them to make cleaning up Pug piddles easier, but somehow Kiara always managed to pee in the one spot where there were cracks and knot holes, allowing for a lovely yellow waterfall into the basement! There was rug in the basement. Then my dad's dog suddenly passed away from cancer and Kiara was alone. Pugs don't do well alone and are very prone to seperation anxiety. It happened so gradually that I never even saw it coming, but she would start to whine and whimper whenever we would get ready to leave. Awwww, it seemed so cute! Up until the whimpering turned to barking. The barking turned to yelping. The yelping turned to what sounded like a torturous shrieking combined with rapid spinning and biting shoes and jackets as she attempted to trip you on your way out the door. Frankly, this was not the perfect dog I had in mind!
Thankfully I understood that God was showing me the consequences of trusting in myself instead of in Him. Kiara's behaviors may not sound that bad, but believe me, they were and there were more! Training issues, irrational anxieties, socialization problems. But throughout it all I chose to have faith, and God responded with mercy. Kiara finally stopped messing indoors (for the most part) after a year and actually surprised me with her ability to learn and understand a fairly large vocabulary. She still has issues, especially with people leaving, but I believe it's a necessary reminder to keep me focused on faith and His promises. Kiara is five and a half years old, and within those years God has used her in so many ways to teach me so many things. I have learned patience (which I THOUGHT I had before!), responsibility and accountability. I learned to trust in God more and discovered a new level of love. Now every time I look at her I see God, the Holy Spirit, guiding me and comforting me. I look into her eyes and it's like looking into heaven.....I see hope, love and peace, and I remember to trust Him. I love all my dogs equally and I learn many things from each of them, but to me Kiara will always be like my little angel here on earth, reminding me of God's power, conviction and grace!
There's more to this story, but impossible to share it all! However, it seems important to mention just one more thing. I had the name "Kiara" picked out long before I met her, but it was after that I decided she needed to have a middle name......Faith. She won't be around forever but, God willing, maybe her story will be.
